Deer in Headlights

     I just want to clarify before you read on that these are two very real events in which God has comforted me. He sent me his creation, something we all live in everyday, to dry my tears. I have struggled with anxiety and depression all throughout my teen years. I turned 17 a few days ago, and it seems like everything came crashing down for me.The first story tells one of a very anxious day I had and the comfort that I was shown. I am very grateful for the parents I had, because I know most would not have shown their children that kind of sympathy. The second story really did happen on the day I'm posting this. The words are harsh because the wound is still fresh, but keep in mind that God always finds ways to heal even the most brokenhearted. I have seen his providence in every aspect of my life, and have full confidence that He will use time to mend this.

    That day, I woke up in a panic. Tears seemed to fall down my face uncontrollably. I knew I needed my mother. As I walked to her room, I paused outside her door and looked out of the window. The moment I arrived there, a doe crept out of the trees and into my sight. It bent down to eat the fallen leaves off of the grass. The tears stopped as soon as I saw her. too distracted to notice my own feelings. I watched as she ate unfazed and unaware that her biggest predator was a mere pane of glass away. The slenderness of her body that was clearly fully fed astonished me. How did she manage to end up out here, in a neighborhood in the middle of a city? After I stared for a moment I came back to reality and knocked on my mother’s door. She came out, and reprimanded my tears. “My daughter is strong”, she said. She cupped my face in her soft hands. “Look at Mama. You cannot live your life like this anymore. You have too much strength.” My tears return, and with them I think how wrong she is. I can’t control my own eyes and I can’t control my life anymore. As if reading my mind she pulls me in and lets me cry into her. She strokes my hair and rubs my back. Facing the window, I look out once more and see the doe again. Now in the comfort of my mom’s embrace, the doe sees me and slips from the grass and back into the trees again, not alarmed by me. 

    Mom sends me to bed and tells me to get rest, like the sick child I am. Shortly after, my Dad comes into the room. He has a little ritual in which if I’m ever upset about anyone or anything, he’ll come in and flop down on my bed with me. There we were, side by side, as he held me close. He begins to speak. “I’m going to put my mouth up close to your ear, so that if I fall asleep I can snore and annoy you.” I laugh, but my laugh turns into a sigh, then from a sigh into a sob. I cry as he leans over, comforting me and says, “What’s wrong this time baby?” This time. I’m upset so often that he’s used to it by now. I vaguely address the issue, and he says lightheartedly, “Who cares? No one will notice.” That’s enough to make me get over it, just for a moment and breathe. He holds me for a little longer and lets me cry as much as I need to. 

A few months later...

Today, I made a huge mistake. The worst one so far. When we last spoke all that time ago, I thought he implied something. It took me 6 months to realize that he wasn’t doing what I thought he was. I spent months thinking he was the worst person to walk this Earth, that he betrayed me in the one way he knew would hurt me the most. I was completely wrong. I am grieving. So, naturally I messaged him once again. I explained what I did, and why I left him there in the cold without another thought. I lied, there were plenty of thoughts after I left. The truth is, I never got over it. I cried for him so much. Little did I know how much loss I would really experience.

I don't know what I expected him to say. If I were him, I'd do exactly what he did. I'd message back and say that it didn't matter and it wasn't a big deal, just like he did. All those tears I gave up weren't a big deal. My letters weren't a big deal. All that time spent picking us apart in my head, all those songs I can't listen to anymore. Not a big deal. I could go on, but I won't anymore.

I thrashed around my house. I cupped my face in my hands and cried. I knelt on the floor because my knees could not support the person I am now. I lost my love because of my arrogance and stupidity. To make it all worse, I dated boys knowing how I still felt about him. They are hurt by me, and I should be caring more. I spent so long thinking that I was so much better, that I caused acid rain to fall on us. I wish I could tell him how highly I think of him. He was always better than me, because he was always humble. That's something I've never honestly been until today. As I wept on the floor, I suddenly look up and out of the window. A fawn is across the street, eating the fallen leaves from the ground. It is just now losing its spots, like I am losing my mind. It doesn't even notice my insanity. It does not care that I am a bad person, or see me for my mistakes. There's two people in this world now that can't say the same. The sight of the deer dries up my tears. I am so comforted by its calmness.

If you asked me now, yes, I'm in mourning. I've lost my love and my old self before this. I will have to find a new way to rebuild this, because I'm sure my old tricks won't work anymore. I will be grieving for a while.